Parenting and Stress- Jessica's Insight
Parenting and Stress
Parenting
Parenting and Stress- Jessica’s insight
All kids are not created equal, and neither is parenting. We all know how parenting can be stressful at times. But do you know that we can model stress as something positive? Kids copycat what their parents do and say. It is totally appropriate to be stressed around our kids and have a bad day. Having a bad day normalizes when kids have a bad day. When our kids see us stressed, frustrated and on the verge of crying that’s when we can model resiliency. We can show kids the healthier approach to being frustrated, to work through that emotion and complete the task and feel proud afterwards. If our children see us happy and able to handle everything life throws at us, then they will think is always easy. Then, when a child has a problem, they will be confused and lack the necessary tools to find a solution. Kids need to see life and stress as it is, unpredictable at times.
“All kids are not created equal, and neither is parenting. ”
My Parenting Challenges
My biggest challenge is finding balance without guilt. My mom brain encompasses my own needs, my families’ needs, household needs, my client’s needs and not in any particular organized order. Asking your kids for age-appropriate help is very crucial. An elementary aged child can get their clothes ready for school the night before and pick out snacks for lunch. A teenager can make their own lunch and pack their backpack. A child can set the table or vacuum the floor. When we involve our kids in the household duties, it not only helps us, but it helps them feel essential and proud of their actions. Stop the thoughts of, ‘I’m sitting here cuddling watching tv with my son when I know the laundry needs to be done.’ Cuddle time is very important for family survival. Take that time to really experience playing with your child which decreases your stress levels when you wonder with them.
“Hugging can release oxytocin which is known as the ‘bonding hormone’.”
Hugging can release oxytocin which is known as the ‘bonding hormone’. When we release oxytocin, it then tells your brain to release our feel-good chemicals, serotonin and dopamine. When our body is releasing all of the feel-good hormones it halts the production of our stress hormones, cortisol and norepinephrine. Take time out to have a cuddle break.
“Hugging can release oxytocin which is known as the ‘bonding hormone’. ”
Remove Distractions
Do not pick up your phone! Many of us pick up our phone when we need a break from something. Sitting somewhere waiting, taking break from emails, or when the kids go to bed. It is normal when stressed to need some escapism. When we’re stressed and looking for an escape we go on our phone or watch television. Doom scrolling, the nightly news and reading about violent behavior cause us to have an emotional reaction and release cortisol. When we read negative news or sad stories over and over, we are imprinting that negativity on our brain. Our brain has many neural pathways where cells transmit messages. The more messages traveling on the same path, the more that thought solidifies and becomes part of our daily habit. So why form a negative neural pathway? Instead, why not form a more positive one with happy news, gratitude and trying to stay realistically positive.
Be Prepared
Being prepared and having things ready doesn’t even give stress a chance to show its monster face. Prioritizing what’s important now and what can be done later. Adjust your time expectations. When you ask your child to put on their shoes you must know that it will take them more than five minutes. Children cannot be rushed, and it does not feel good to be anxiously hoping to make it on time to your destination.
Set Boundaries
Definitely set healthy boundaries around work time and play time for both parent and child. I have my work that needs to get done right now and kids work is to create play. A parent cannot be there one hundred percent of the time for their child. Being present for your child and fixing or helping every problem does not allow them to grow and learn how to help themselves. It is not healthy for kids to rely on their parents for everything in their world. Let your child’s imagination run wild while you work.
Stress happens when people permeate your boundaries or if you haven’t set personal boundaries with those around you. Stick to the consequence for your child who pushed a set boundary to reinforce the rule. Boundary setting when feeling overwhelmed is very important. Saying no when stressed will reduce the chance of projecting that stress onto the child. When stressed we may become overwhelmed and yell when we don’t mean to or make a rash punishment when an explanation might have been good enough. It’s ok to ask for space when frustrated. Communicating that you need a couple minutes to takem some deep breaths and calm down is essential for you and your child. Utilizing this technique also models to your child that adults are sometimes at a loss for words and need a moment to think. Knowing your triggers can stop stress from overflowing.
My trigger is whining. I have explained to my son that whining will get you nowhere. My son knows he can just simply ask the question and I will answer and therefore I'm not getting triggered. If we know our triggers, then we a reprepared when kids push our buttons, and we can react calmly and take a moment to breathe instead of yell.
Repair
Repair, repair, and more repair. If you find yourself yelling and overstressed just know it’s ok, we are not ever perfect parents. The most important action we can take after yelling is to explain that we were stressed, apologize for yelling and check in with how your child is feeling about being yelled at. When we express our emotions, kids learn that it is ok to make mistakes, learn to name an emotion and how to make things ok again.
Being in nature can reduce cortisol. When we reduce the cortisol hormone, we reduce the feelings and effects of stress. Kids already love playing outside so join them! Twenty minutes a day is enough to combat that stressful cortisol monster. My favorite mindfulness nature activity is going on a walk. The rules are simple, when on a walk, notice all the green leaves, the different textures of the trees, vibrant colors of various flowers or the distinct melodic sounds of birds. You can even make this mindfulness walk into a game. Play who can count the most yellow flowers or red cars? Soak up the sun and play outside.
Conclusion
I will reiterate, let your kids see you struggle and succeed. Kids need to see us fail, get back up, try again and succeed to help model resilience.
Written by Jessica Dulin
About the Author:
My name is Jessica Dulin, registered associate marriage and family therapist. I work in private practice with anxiety, depression, cancer and chronic illness. My website is www.healingchronicallycounseling.com. In my personal life I am seven years in remission from Acute Myeloid Leukemia and currently struggle with Fibromyalgia. I am the proud mother of a wild yet compassionate eight-year-old boy.
The opinions and views expressed in this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of www.ASolutionB.com. The author and www.ASolutionB.com have no affiliations with any products or services mentioned in this article or linked to herein.
