Maintaining Boundaries in a Coparenting Relationship- Leonis' Insight
Coparenting
Maintaining Boundaries
Pretty much all of us mothers can say that our children are the light of our lives! Even when they tap dance on our last nerve (as my mother would so affectionately says) or act like a complete fool in public, we love them unconditionally and with every fiber in our being. That goes without saying. Their fathers don’t always elicit those same warm and fuzzy feelings from us though.
If you decide to end the relationship, it’s still important to keep a healthy coparenting relationship. No matter the reason you and your ex are no longer together, it is so important to maintain healthy and appropriate boundaries with one another. While it may not ever be easy breezy, using these tips will help you to keep your coparenting situation calm, cool, and civil!
Effective Coparenting
1. Pick your ground rules and remain consistent.
So, you’ve already decided that you do not want to be in a relationship with the other parent. Be sure to make your decision and intentions clear with that person, first. Having the back-and-forth/on-and-off intimate relationship with your coparent can make things complicated and confusing, because it can cause you to make parenting decisions based off of romantic feelings that are irrelevant to the parent-child relationship. An example of a healthy boundary with coparenting can be that your child’s parent is allowed to come into the driveway of your home to pick up your child, but is not allowed in the house. You will bring the child out to him/her. If this is the boundary, then it should be the boundary all of the time and it should be a clear conversation between the two of you as coparents.
“…remember that children pay very close attention to your words and actions.”
2. Always put the child’s needs first.
Even if the other parent has annoyed or upset you, maintain usual custody or visitation arrangements. Of course, it can be frustrating when you are inconvenienced or when you don’t feel heard by the other person. The child shouldn’t have to suffer because of this. It’s not fair to your child for you to cancel a visitation last minute because you got into an argument with the coparent.
At the same time, remember that children pay very close attention to your words and actions. Do not speak negatively about the other in front of or to the child. Just because you are mad at the other parent, doesn’t mean the child needs to be mad at them, too. Just follow the old school rule for this one: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
3. Respect the relationships.
This goes for all relationships. Regarding the relationship your child has with their parent, be careful not to put them in a position where they feel like they have to choose between or be the mediator between the two of you. It isn’t fair to interrogate them or tell them information that isn’t necessary for them to know. It also isn’t fair to make them feel guilty for missing or spending time with their other parent. Let them know it’s OK to express their feelings to you openly and try to understand their position.
Instead, make the most of your time with your child by showing interest in things they like and building your own relationship with them. Make sure to keep the lines of communication open between you and the other parent so that the child doesn’t have to be the informer between the two of you.
4. Keep it off of social media.
To lessen outside opinions, judgment, and overall damage to the parenting relationship, keep any disagreements or conversations you’ve had with your coparent off of social media platforms. This same tip can actually be applied for most of your private life, actually. When you post things online, the tone, context, and intention can be misconstrued very easily. Also, when the co-parent sees that you took a private conversation/occurrence that happened between the two of you, and posted it on a public platform, it will further increase mistrust and division in the coparenting process.
Reach out to a therapist if you need someone to talk to about your feelings. You may also want to talk to a trusted friend/family member who has gone through a similar situation and gotten through it, to gain some insight.
“…intense emotions can make people do things you would not expect.”
5. If it becomes dangerous, call the police.
If there have been threats to your safety or the safety of your child, take the necessary steps to protect yourself and your family. It’s normal to want to handle it yourself and try to keep things small. However, sometimes intense emotions can make people do things you would not expect. Do no put yourself or your child into a situation that isn’t safe. If you feel like you, your child, or anyone else are in danger, this is most certainly a situation where you should maintain a safe distance and get the proper authorities involved. This may be 911, the local police station, or child protective services in your area.
Sometimes, it doesn’t always work out a child’s mother and father, and that’s ok. Deciding to co-parent may be much easier than trying to force a relationship to work for the kids. The hard work does not stop once the romantic relationship has ended, though. Using these tip will help you to build and maintain a relationship with your ex that is comfortable for you, your ex, and your child!
Written by: Leonis Woods, LCSW
About the author
Leonis Woods is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Qualified School Social Worker based in New Orleans, LA. She has over 8 years of experience in working with at-risk populations and direct clinical practice with children and families in schools and intensive psychiatric hospital environment. She currently runs a private practice, in which she works with young women and mothers seeking support in navigating life transitions and building better relationships.