Boundaries: The Who, What, When, Why, and How- Joyce's Insight
Boundaries
The Who, What, When, Why, and How
Boundary, or its plural form boundaries, is one of the most thrown around words out there when it comes to mental health. What exactly is a boundary though? There is a multitude of definitions of boundaries out there. For the purpose of this article, boundary is defined as an “emotional, mental, or physical demarcation put into place in order to create space between people.” Now that boundaries has been defined, one might ask what the purpose is in discussing them.
The Purpose Of Boundaries
The purpose in discussing boundaries is that everyone has boundaries. Although everyone has boundaries, we are not born with our boundaries intact. Boundaries are something we develop as we grow up. The boundaries that we develop as we grow up may be or may not be healthy depending on the environment one grows up in. For example, if a girl grows up in a loving and nourishing home, she will most likely become a woman with healthy boundaries. On the other hand, if a girl grows up in an abusive household, she will most likely become an adult with unhealthy boundaries.
Healthy Boundaries
What makes boundaries healthy? There are a few elements that make boundaries healthy. Firstly, healthy boundaries are clear boundaries. Clear boundaries are understandable to you and the people. Secondly, healthy boundaries are enforceable. Boundaries that are not enforceable, either because you will not implement them or because they are unrealistic are not healthy boundaries. In fact, they can in fact contribute to distress; think unrealistic expectations. Lastly, healthy boundaries do not violate the boundaries of others. If your boundaries violate the boundaries of others that is a cue to take close inventory of your boundaries and make the necessary adjustments to them.
While it is important to have your identified healthy boundaries that is not enough; if you’re the only person aware of your boundaries then they are ineffective boundaries. What makes boundaries effective is when they are thoughtfully communicated to those around us.
Developing Healthy Boundaries
That leads to the question of how to communicate your healthy boundaries in a thoughtful way to those around you. There are two ways in which to communicate boundaries with those around you. The first way to communicate your boundaries is to explicitly state your boundaries to people.
Take for instance if you are someone who is an early riser; therefore, you go to bed by 10:00pm every night. You might explicitly express your boundary of respecting your rest by asking family members and friends to not call you after 9:30 P.M. unless it is an emergency.
The second way in which to communicate your established boundaries is to implicitly demonstrate your boundaries to people. For example, if you don’t like to be touched you would implicitly demonstrate your boundary of have adequate distance between yourself and the other person by taking a step backwards or a step to the side if the person you were talking to was to close in on your personal space.
While both ways of communicating your boundaries are effective; one way of communicating your boundaries is more effective than the other. Explicitly expressing your boundaries leaves little room for miscommunication in regards to what your boundaries are. Also, by explicitly communicating your boundaries with others you are able to have an open dialogue with that person regarding your boundaries which in turn fosters healthier relationships.
Societal Expectations
Yet, women in our society are often socialized to not express their boundaries explicitly. Women are socialized in our society, as well as many other societies, that explicitly stating one’s boundaries make them “bossy,” “controlling,” or “demanding” to say the least. It is because of this socialization in our society that women tend to gravitate towards implicitly communicating their boundaries as it is seen as less intrusive, and therefore; more acceptable.
It is important to push back against these social norms and state one’s boundaries explicitly as a woman.
First, it is only by pushing back against these social norms that they can begin to change.
Secondly, it is by pushing back against these social normal and explicitly stating ones healthy boundaries that women are able to have healthy relationships with others.
If healthy boundaries are what you strive for then take a moment, identify your healthy boundaries, and then thoughtfully express them to those around you as appropriate. By doing so you are pushing back against unhealthy societal expectations.
Written by: Joyce Miles
About the author
Joyce Miles is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor in the state of Texas. Joyce has a small private practice in Denton, Texas where she works with clients of diverse backgrounds. Joyce enjoys working with minority communities and the LGBTQ+ community.