Daddy Issues-Tiarra's Insight
Daddy
Daddy Issues- Tiarra’s Insight
Photograph from Unsplash
Fatherlessness is a disease that silently contributes to the demise of many women. Before I speak on many women let me say that I have come to own all the ways that my father’s absence has affected me. As a little girl, I was oblivious to both his existence and his absence. My mother did an amazing job of filling the space where he belonged. Honestly, there were so many families that mirrored mine and made dads absence the norm. As I began my journey of becoming a woman I became painfully aware of the fact that something was missing. That something was huge and it was the man that had assisted in the creation of my life.
Fatherlessness is a disease that silently contributes to the demise of many women.
The Impact of Daddy Issues
I quickly realized that my father made a decision that I was not worthy of being in his life. In response, I choose to create a life that he would make him desperate to be a part of. I told myself that I needed to find my worth and prove it to him. So I did all the things I thought would make a father proud. I was the first in the family to attend college. But when I looked out in the crowd during graduation, he was not there. As I made the trip down the aisle to say I do, my father was not there to give me away. As I labored through 26 hours of pain to bring the most beautiful little boy into the world, my father's absence loomed over me like the spirit of a deceased loved one.
There are hundreds, maybe even thousands of decisions that I have made with him in mind. Hoping this would be the thing that makes him proud of me. Until I woke up one day feeling overwhelmed, depressed and burned out. I could not pinpoint my source of unhappiness and being a clinician, I knew that I had to enlist the help of a professional. It did not take long for us to cover the fact that my entire life centered around the desire to present as daddy’s perfect little girl. Do you know the stress affiliated with being perfect?
My Journey
In spite of all my efforts to create the perfect life, one thing remained the same, I was still fatherless. So with the help of my therapist, I started the journey of uncovering my daddy issues. It literally felt as if I was mourning his death. I picked up the phone and called my mom to learn about their history together. I watched countless movies about fathers and daughters and cried. I read so many books that were critical in helping me discover how important a father's role is to a woman's identity. Most importantly, I gained the courage to let my father off the hook for his inability to show up for me in the way that I so deeply desired. The journey is never-ending. There are days when I feel healed and healthy, only to be triggered again. But that is how healing works, we are continuously working at it and growing in the process.
The US Census Bureau reports that more than twenty-four million children in America live without their biological fathers.
Statistics
This journey has helped me to discover the correlation between the father-daughter relationship to the mental health of women. The US Census Bureau reports that more than twenty-four million children in America live without their biological fathers. 64% of those children are African-American. According to the National Fatherhood Initiative Report, children experiencing fatherlessness are more likely to experience poverty. They struggle with emotional and behavioral problems, as well as turning to a life of crime. They spend their lives searching for affirmation, acceptance, and self-worth in others. Those children grow into adults with unresolved complex trauma.
Women raised with an emotionally healthy active father tend to have higher self–worth because the secure attachment of a father helps to view themselves in a more positive light. They are less likely to look outside of themselves for affirmation. Their adult relationships are healthier because their father has set the barre for the expectation of treatment for themselves and others. In addition, the life trajectory of these women is more successful because the love and support of a strong father cause them to believe that they are capable of accomplishing anything.
The beauty in discovering the effects of my father’s absence was learning to redefine myself
Of course, there are exceptions to every rule. And it is possible that there are some women in the world that live very healthy, happy lives without having ever experienced the harmful effects of an absent father. I would implore those women to dig deeper, look under the rocks and I am almost certain that there is some area of their being that has been deeply wounded by daddy’s absence. The beauty in discovering the effects of my father’s absence was learning to redefine myself. One of the most liberating activities was standing in the mirror speaking truth to myself. Yes, I miss my father but his absence does not get to hold me captive. I am still worthy of love. I am capable of exuding great love. I am not perfect and I am still loved.
The sharing of my story is not intended to beat up my father or any father for that matter. The sole purpose is to stop the cycle of fatherlessness. While educating people on the lifelong significance of the role of fathers. They are needed. They are wanted. The presence of fathers is not optional, it is in fact mandatory. As Frederick Douglass said, “It is easier to build strong children, than repair broken men”.
Written by: Tiarra Abu-Bakr
About the author
Tiarra Abu-Bakr is a devoted wife and mother. Tiarra is a Licensed Graduate Professional Counselor in Washington DC and MD. She has devoted the last ten years of her life serving victims of violent crimes. As a Certified Child and Adolescent Trauma Professional, Tiarra has discovered her life’s purpose is to help create mental wellness in families and wholeness in children.